WHAT DOES "COMING OUT" MEAN?
Simply put, coming out is a means to publicly declare one's identity, whether to a person in private or a group of people. In our society most people are generally presumed to be heterosexual, so there is usually no need for a heterosexual person to make a statement to others that discloses their sexual orientation. Similarly, most people feel that their current gender is aligned with their sex assigned at birth, therefore never having a need to disclose their gender identity. However, a person who is LGBT must decide whether or not to reveal to others their sexual orientation or gender identity.
To come out is to take a risk by sharing one's identity, sometimes to one person in conversation, sometimes to a group or in a public setting. The actual act of coming out can be as simple as saying "I'm gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender," but it can be a difficult and emotional process for an LGBT student to go through, which is why it is so important for a student to have support. One positive aspect of coming out is not having to hide who you are anymore. However, there can be dangers that come with revealing yourself. A student who comes out may be open to more anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment, yet they may also feel more comfortable and free to be themselves. One of the most important things you as an ally can do for an LGBT student is to be there for them in a safe, respectful and helpful way.
SNAP SHOT - Anti-LGBT Bias in School
Renisha was a 15-year -old freshman who had just started at the school where her older brother Michael was a junior. Renisha decided that at this new school, she was going to be herself and not hide that she's a lesbian as she did in junior high. Michael's friends had begun to make fun of his little sister and Michael always defended her, telling his friends "leave her alone, she's just being herself." Michael's friends continued to tease Renisha calling her "dyke" from across the lunchroom and defacing her locker with anti-LGBT language. Michael decided that this had gone too far and demanded his friends leave his little sister alone. One of his friends started to tease Michael, asking him if "being queer runs in the family." The words had barely made it out of the boy's mouth before Michael punched him. The other friends backed off and stopped the teasing, but Michael was suspended from school for a week and kicked off the basketball team for fighting.
SHOULD SCHOOL STAFF BE CAREFUL ABOUT DISCLOSING A STUDENT'S SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR GENDER IDENTITY TO OTHERS?
"Reporting causes more problems. Teachers and staff do not know how to handle the problem anonymously." -Student, Grade Not Reported, Texas
Absolutely. School staff must at all times be cognizant of the highly sensitive nature of information regarding a students sexual orientation and gender identity. School staff must exercise the utmost discretion and professionalism and be respectful of student privacy in discussing these matters.
In contrast to coming out, when a person chooses to disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity, "outing" occurs when someone else tells others that a particular individual is LGBT without that person's permission. We often don't know what someone's beliefs are or reactions might be, and outing someone may have large repercussions for students. Although it may be hard to believe, there are students whose emotional and physical safety were jeopardized when school staff outed them to other students and even family members.
WHEN A STUDENT COMES OUT TO YOU...AND TELLS YOU THEY ARE LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL OR TRANSGENDER
When a student comes out to you and tell you they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT), your initial response is important. The student has likely spent time in advance thinking about whether or not to tell you, and when and how to tell you. Here are some tips to help you support them.
Offer support but don't assume a student needs any help. The student may be completely comfortable with their sexual orientation or gender identity and may not need help dealing with it or be in need of any support. It may be that the student just wanted to tell someone, or just simply to tell you so you might know them better. Offer and be available to support your students as they come out to others.
Be a role model of acceptance. Always model good behavior by using inclusive language and setting an accepting environment by not making assumptions about people's sexual orientation or gender identity, and by addressing other's (adults and students) biased language and addressing stereotypes and myths about LGBT people. By demonstrating that you are respectful of LGBT people and intolerant of homophobia and transphobia, LGBT students are more likely to see you as a supportive educator.
Appreciate the student's courage. There is often a risk in telling someone something personal, especially sharing for the first time one's sexual orientation or gender identity, when it is generally not considered the norm. Consider someone's coming out a gift and thank them for giving that gift to you. Sharing this personal information with you means that the student respects and trusts you.
Listen, listen, listen. One of the best ways to support a student is to hear them out and let the student know you are there to listen. Coming out is a long process, and chances are you'll be approached again to discuss this process, the challenges and the joys of being out at school.
Assure and respect confidentiality. The student told you and may or may not be ready to tell others. Let the student know that the conversation is confidential and that you won't share the information with anyone else, unless they ask for your help. If they want others to know, doing it in their own way with their own timing is important. Respect their privacy.
Ask questions that demonstrate understanding, acceptance and compassion. Some suggestions are:
- Have you been able to tell anyone else?
- Has this been a secret you have had to keep from others or have you told other people?
- Do you feel safe in school? Supported by the adults in your life?
- Do you need any help of any kind? Resources or someone to listen?
- Have I ever offended you unknowingly?
Challenge traditional norms. You may need to consider your own beliefs about sexual orientation, gender identity and gender roles. Do not expect people to conform to societal norms about gender or sexual orientation.
Be prepared to give a referral. If there are questions you can't answer, or if the student does need some emotional support, be prepared to refer them to a sympathetic counselor, a hotline, your school's GSA or an LGBT youth group or community center.
SOME ADDITIONAL THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN A STUDENT COMES OUT TO YOU AS TRANSGENDER
Validate the person's gender identity and expression. It is important to use the pronoun appropriate to gender presented or that the person requests - this is showing respect. In other words, if someone identifies as female, then refer to the person as "she"; if they identify as male, refer to the person as "he." Or use gender neutral language. Never use the word "it" when referring to a person, to do so is insulting and disrespectful.
Remember that gender identity is separate from sexual orientation. Knowing someone is transgender does not provide you with any information about their sexual orientation.
WHAT NOT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE COMES OUT TO YOU
"I knew it!" This makes the disclosure about you and not the student, and you might have been making an assumption based on stereotypes.
"Are you sure?", "You're just confused" or "It's just a phase - it will pass." This suggests that students don't know who they are.
"You just haven't found a good woman yet" said to a male or "a good man yet" said to a female. This assumes that everyone is straight or should be.
"Shhh, don't tell anyone." This implies that there is something wrong and that being LGBT must be kept hidden. If you have real reasons to believe that disclosing this information will cause the student harm, then make it clear that is your concern. Say "Thanks for telling me. We should talk about how tolerant our school and community is. You may want to consider how this may affect your decision about who to come out to."
"You can't be gay - you've had relationships with people of the opposite sex." This refers only to behavior, while sexual orientation is about inner feelings.
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